After an interesting weekend of self-discovery, I have come to a couple conclusions that will shape my world view. First, communication is the basis for relationships and building community. Secondly, I am terrible at item one. The latter being the most implicit in my current state of solitude. Furthermore, I am now compelled to rectify this major deficiency in a manner that is in line with living a life worth living.
I noticed some time ago that there was always a challenge of expressing how I truly felt to another human being—especially those that I loved the most—yet I was never one to push outside my boundaries and get uncomfortable with being exposed emotionally. This rigid sense of protection caused far too many moments where people would ask a real question about how, or why, I was feeling or acting and I would have no retort or reply. The rising pain, anger, frustration colored my soul red with a choking rage because I could not express the turmoil of the inside. Eventually the emotions would try and come to the surface and the rising tide causes a shut down. While understandable as it may be for a man to have a hard time expressing his feelings, my downfall was complicated by unidentified failures hiding in the far recesses of my character.
The strangest and most compelling moments in life lie within those of self-discovery. The moment is strange because the cliché of the light bulb turning on is so accurate, and in truth the light does come on. All at once the reasons of previous actions, thought processes, and reactions to others makes sense. Yes, the clouds part and every other synonym to express epiphany, comes to pass: then just as quick as the moment came reality sets in. Silence comes over the room, even if the place is crowded with people. There is this thing, a part of you that is no longer just hiding in the shadows creating destructive patterns. No, now it has a name, a face, and more importantly a full shaped personality of my own making. “What do I do now” is usually the first words out of the mouth, and the simplest answer is to write everything down.
I began to write, mull, deliberate, talk, chat, and pray about all the reasons I couldn’t express the feelings that are part of the human I am. Many, far too many, things came to mind: then I simplified each moment into cause and effect, action and reaction, finally into root issues. The stereotype of the kid on a daytime talk show came to mind, “it was the parents fault blah, blah, blah”. Although I can understand why some people decide to place blame on the parents, I decide that the mantle was mine to bear, mine and mine alone. Yes, I did go through some hard times, but the majority of hard moments where of my own making. For once in my life I have decided to stop blaming people for my defects, for through my deficiencies I will be molded into something far greater, bolder, and far more loving then I ever could have imagined before, and I am a little scared of the process that will happen in accord with my revelation.
Peace can be found even within the most turbulent times if we allow ourselves to not be blinded by the events in the forefront of life. I am not suggesting that we ignore the events of life that created hardships; however, I am speaking to those small miniscule moments that are noticed and often ignored by our neurotic minds, for within these moments is the chance to take a step back and look to the heavens and ask how, and what, I can do to make the most out the current set of circumstances. Being faithful and diligent in the smallest of moments will lead to a lifestyle that changes you and more importantly the people around you; alas, the journey will be a lifelong adventure to learn how to speak my feelings in the correct fashion, for you can only learn on a situation to situation basis. I have hope in my the future, for the past brought me to this moment where my heart is ready to live and learn from wisdom.
